He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize