I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
