i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
