What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
