"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
