You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
