I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
