someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have tasted many bathrooms
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
