awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize