my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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