I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
