dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
