toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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