i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
