OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
