woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize