Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
