You can't special order awesome
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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