Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
