when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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