I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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