Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Everyone says I win the strip club
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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