I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why do cheetos always look like penises
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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