Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
