omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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