You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
