so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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