He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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