I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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