from now on my penis is your penis
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
