I think my vagina is haunted
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
