you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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