I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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