So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
