it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
