11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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