There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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