if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
