some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
