I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize