2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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