the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
