3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is not my ceiling
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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