My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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