Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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