i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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