Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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