I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
