What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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