Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
