last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
