drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
