This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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