I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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