Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
