I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
