This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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