if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
