I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
