Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
