There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
