I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize