he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
