Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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