I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
