theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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