I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
