I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just high enough for therapy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
