You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
