He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
