he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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