I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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