You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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