I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
